I have a tendency to forget about my life because all of my focus goes into another person who I get obsessed with. So as I was desperately searching youtube for ‘how to stop obsessing over another person’, I came over this book called ‘Intimacy: Trusting oneself and the Other’ by Osho. I learned here about three different relationships and a nice analogy for each of them. For clarification, when I’m talking about relationships I’m mainly thinking of romance/partner relationships, but I’ve seen tendencies of this in my friendships too. I just think it’s more common in romantic relationships as it’s easier to get lost when there’s the whole ‘falling in a love with a person’ process
So, imagine that you bring your partner to your favorite spot to enjoy a sunset
In a Co-dependent relationship you would both sit there and watch eachother, rather than the sunset, feeding off of eachothers energy and forget what you came for entirely
In a dependent relationship one of you would be enjoying the sunset and the other would just spend the entire time watching the other.
In an interdependent relationship you would both enjoy the sunset as you know that the other is there and trust that they will be there with you enjoying the sunset. And if they would leave, you would still be at your favorite spot enjoying the sunset.
Interdependency was a new word for me. Being dependent is a one-way street whereas interdependency is mutual, but with an individual part, just like a Venn diagram. Good apart, better together.
It all ties together well to being good on your own - being independent - before going into a relationship as it’s bound to be dependent or co-dependent if you are not independent in the first place. This is where I am putting my focus today. It’s strange to be 30 years old and first now realize that, “oh I need to take care of myself?” but I’m happy to figure this out now, never too late for anything :-)
I have 4 older siblings, 2 parents that seperated when I was young and I got step-parents, so I essentially had 4 parents taking care of me as well as growing up in one of the world’s richest countries where you get taken care of by the system, and I never really had to learn to function by myself. I was always taken care of by my family or community.
Instead of giving myself a certain space or material thing that I need, I would give something to a friend and then receiving it from them rather from myself. This goes against one of my values to remove middle-persons where I have really enjoyed the jobs where I trade a juggling show to get access to whatever they have to offer, instead of going through the extra step of money to then buy that thing or experience. This of course depends on me wanting what they have to offer and vice-versa, the good ol’ exchange system isn’t the most practical, but extremely fulfilling. Doing this on a personal level would mean for me to identify what I need and go get that, and not expect someone else to see that “Julian’s sleep seems bad I’ll get him a new pillow as a gift”. It should be much easier for me to know if I need a new pillow than someone who is just judging from the rings under my eyes.
Falling in love.. again?
It’s been 6 years now that I am in a constant cycle of falling in love, going through heartbreak, falling in love, going through heartbreak and it’s taxing. I am tired of being so unstable, and unsure about myself and my state, it’s been like a rollercoaster ride where I could never get off to catch a breath. I am aware of my pattern looking for someone to hook myself onto again and it’s really desperate. Knowing that it will not help me to find a partner right now it is easier to see through the fog of “if only I get a partner everything will be good”.
I feel like I’m falling in love again! But it’s a different kind, I am not falling in love with someone or something, I am just slowly falling in love, falling into love, and every time some jealousy or other malevolent feelings arise, I ask myself kindly “what part of myself am I not accepting and loving?” it has had an enormous transformational effect in a short time when my mindset switches to be there for me, not expecting anyone else to solve this problem for me, for once.
It’s like when someone gives me a compliment and I don’t believe them, it’s that I haven’t accepted this part of myself so I cannot accept the compliment either, there’s like a force field blocking access from the outside to that part of me until I accept it and bring love into it.
Stop and start again
So this years EJC was really hard on me, not being in a festive mood at a festival was strange as I’ve been stripping down the different layers that my life has been hiding behind. I realized that every EJC I’ve been to, I’ve found some girl to impress and fall in love with and it’s been one of my biggest motivations to ‘be good’ or ‘do well’ at the convention. It’s been hard to admit, I go to the festival and I don’t really care about myself or how I do, I only care about doing good for another person, a stranger really. I cannot go back to enjoying that pattern after I’ve now seen it and revealed it.
What has happened in the past few months, just as I’ve turned 30 years old is that I’ve lost my engine - my main method of advancing was built on a shaky foundation which I had no control over. I have somehow managed to go many places, function surprisingly well and achieve a lot of things that I am proud of, but there is no going back. I had to understand where my actions come from and now I’m seeing that I wanted to look good on social media, eat well, take care of myself, training, yes, almost every action(!) from a place of ‘I am going to impress this woman’. It is very painful to realize that I haven’t been important enough in my own life to want to do good, I need this other person that I can impress to want to push forward. It just doesn’t feel sustainable and I’ve reached a point of relationship burnout. I cannot keep going in this direction. My life had to stop so I can start again. Slower, but healthier, with a lot of patience and understanding for myself for now. Small steps.
With love,
ProgressyJ
This gives a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing.