Through this intense time of working with my traumas and struggling to find self-acceptance I began reflecting over energy, where I put it and where I get it. I give energy to an audience as a performer and receive energy back, so I form a very short term relationship with everybody watching. I also feel very good when I give to a girlfriend or lover, as I receive so much attention from them and feel whole as a result of that.
The moment I don’t have the audience or don’t have the girlfriend to give me that love and attention, I fall back on my relationship with myself - the baseline. The challenge here is that if I haven’t given focus to my relationship with myself I don’t have a foundation. And for some reason it seems harder to accept myself than to accept others. I am so self-critical of the choices I do for my life but I easily accept others for their strange or unhealthy ways of living.
Something really stood out to me in this episode of the Aubrey Marcus Podcast. He says the ceiling for how much you can love yourself is capped at the part of yourself where you have the least amount of love. He recommends to find the thing that you like the least about yourself and love that part of you. It makes total sense! It made me think that when I’ve been so critical about my interest for video games, I’ve been blocking my potential love for myself too.
I really believe that when we put focus on something outside of ourselves like thinking about someone, watching something or doing an activity as a means to an end - OH THIS IS A BIG ONE
I realized that I’ve been doing most of my activites with the thought in my head that I will show this to someone and impress them and get praise for it.
I’ve rarely done activities with me in the center.
If I couldn’t show what I did to someone I would probably not do it. I need that praise from the outside telling me “oh wow Julian you’re so good!”
But of course I can remember a few moments when I’ve done the activities as a means in itself, and it’s so much more profound, and the art that comes out of it is so much more true.
So I strive for this, creating, doing, making, jumping, tasting, rolling, throwing, and juggling with me at the core. Doing whatever pleases ME right now. As a baseline. Then of course making things for others, either as a part of work or as a gift is great, but not every time.
Here is a picture of me doing for me and look how happy I am
Operation “Small step”
Wiggling, rolling, zig-zaging, yes, inching
Towards my innermost core of self
What’s the smallest step I can take?
To bring myself some support and help
Big steps are for big-foots & yetis
Small steps are for the living
making the world ever so vivid
where
everything makes sense, everything happens at the right time, everything happens at the right place, everything happens with the right people, everything just happens
and none is denied
I wrote this poem when thinking about how often I don’t do things because they seem too big, too difficult or too vast and complicated. If I can just make a tiny tiny step, all of a sudden the world gets it’s colors back and I’ve done 100 tiny steps which amounts to at least 4 yeti-steps.
Thanks for reading Insightful Drops 🧡 As always feel free to share it with someone who you think might benefit from it
With self-love,
Julian
What a great poem ❤️