Hey you, first of all I want to take a moment to thank you so much for being with me on this journey of the Insightful Drops! It’s been one year since the first post. I’ve done 36 out of the 52 weeks from the past year so it’s not too bad for my first time trying something like this. I like the idea of a weekly check in and will keep it going. The reason why I haven’t written the past weeks is that I’ve been running. Running away from my duties, responsibilities and my feelings. And like with procrastination, every time I run away it is harder to go back to it, but the only way out is by going in. I’ve been on a two month long trip now and in some regards this whole trip was a big running away, but it has brought me some amazing moments and learnt a lot of new things however it has been tough coming back to Trondheim and being confronted with all that is going on. It’s a little bit like my life was on pause while travelling.
Whatever is hard, we want to avoid, because we want to feel good, happy and light. However the burdens we don’t resolve will stay in the body and weigh us down over the years. I’ve been still working on releasing my broken heart from this summer and it’s been so tough to release. I’ve been clinging on to this fantasy of how things could be, instead of accepting the reality of how things are. It’s weird how this works, but by daydreaming yourself into a certain scenario the feeling associated with it is real. Instead of accepting the reality of the ending, I keep on imagining I am still in it and will have to stop myself daydreaming in the future as it is only creating inner turmoil and confusion. Recently I’ve been exploring the pain, going into it, releasing little by little and moving forward. Progress.
Recharging batteries
I’ve noticed a deep inner fatigue after coming home, making it hard to do much at all. I tried going full out the first days, meeting family, friends and socializing but my body just said stop at some point. I had to slow down. So I’ve been a house father for myself, baking bread, making soup, cleaning, staying under blanket in front of fire place, playing The Last of Us, watching movies and sleeping. I slept 10 hours two days in a row which made me go “woah, I must’ve been really tired”. I’ve been playing video games as a means to relax as I’ve explored quitting entirely (check ID #5) and it didn’t make me feel good. What tends to happen is I find a video game that I’m not that interested in, like some shitty mobile game, just to play something. So then I rather play a great game with a nice story and The Last of Us has really delivered so far. The most important part is to not use video games as a means to run away from my responsibilities. And respecting my sleep schedule.
What is your favorite way of recharging your batteries?
Masks
When I was in Denmark I was waiting for the toilet to be unoccupied. When the woman finally came out I could see her with a low energy; slouched back, tired, head down, but just for a tiny moment until she saw I was standing there in the corner of her eye. In a split second she raised her posture, put on a big smile, looked me in the eyes and walked past me. I was a little baffled by what I saw and it took me a little moment before I went into the toilet. It made me think about how much we are faking for each other. Pretending to be okay. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to be healthy, to not be a burden for others. Not accepting our true state. Pushing away feelings of tiredness, fatigue and burnout. I have an idea of juggling masks on club handles. Let’s see where it takes me.
Thank you so much for being with me on this journey of dropping and learning. It’s been a rich year full of mistakes. Let’s raise our juggling props to many more! 🧡
Hugs,
CelebrationJ
Reading your piece about running did me realise I was doing the sams unconsciously. (I have been away 6 out of the last 8 weekends). Thanks for sharing 💜
I deeply appreciate your drops, Julian. Your reflections about using travel to run away resonates with my own travels. I'm curious to know how you're processing your pain. Through meditation, maybe? If you're up for it, I'd love to talk about it next time we meet.
All the best,
Ole